Ok! I'm sure I have touched on this topic a million times, before, but I doubt that I could exhaust the issues of motherhood in a single lifetime!!!
Society has this blanket approach to motherhood that says that unless you are a mushy mummy who is seeping with copious amounts of tender loving care and adoration for your children, then you are a bad mother.
Well, I would like to on my behalf and on behalf of all other square peg mothers out there say this, "we are not mushy, but we rock!". I'm not saying so to make myself feel better at this point in time. I just get so tired of the looks you get from friends and family when you don't fall into that perfect mold of motherhood. Personally, I think I'd have made a great dad because of my emotional make up. I am not the doting type, and crave my freedom and solitude more than life with the pack. For me, motherhood is a physical and emotional drain at times. I have had to learn to not get so agitated when my personal space is encroached upon in that way only children know how. I spent years wallowing in guilt because I knew I was not like the other mum's I'd seen around. My role model was my mother, and she set a standard so high that I just fell flat on my face when I tried to live up to it. And it is a compliment to her for finding that balance that I never had before now. I finally started to do some introspection with regards to me- as my self, then as a mother, then as a partner. It was a difficult journey, which was triggered by a difficult period in my relationship.
As I type, my tiny tot is putting on her own pyjamas as she sings to herself, and it makes me smile. Honestly, the journey of motherhood to date has been filled tears, laughter, pain, pleasure...the two sides of the coin in almost every sense.
For fear of being labeled as bad mothers, or potentially harmful to their children, so many mothers suffer in silence. Society, whose rules (written and unwritten) have been established mostly by men, calls it the joys of motherhood! I can think of many more words to replace 'joys'.
I suppose my biggest conflict as a mother has been trying to reconcile the reality of motherhood as relates my personal experience and the stereotypical presentation of motherhood.
I was never excited about being pregnant. It seemed as though everyone else was more excited than I was with my pregnancy. I did want my child, but I didn't enjoy being pregnant. Being pregnant just put my emotions in flux in a way that I was unfamiliar with. I was never someone who suffered from PMS, so to experience the excess of female hormones and the emotional lability they came with was a bit destabilizing to say the least.
How often do mothers mention how they felt no instant bond with their child at birth? Or that need to just walk away soon after the baby was born because of that feeling of helplessness? Or the loss of self confidence? Or the mood swings? Or the breakdown in communication between partners? Or the disruption of their sex life? Or difficulty with burping!! Yes! Something that seems so trivial, yet has been the undoing of many a mother. I could go on and on! But, you know who judges mothers the hardest? Apart from other mothers? The answer, which I'm sure you already guessed is the mothers themselves.
Every time I see a mother, especially with newborns, I just want to go up to them and tell them that it is OK if they do not feel all those things that society tells them they are meant to feel. I just want to tell them not to beat themselves up over their inability to meet the mark! I just want to tell them it is OK to be themselves and to take it at their own pace, and to cut themselves some slack. After all, motherhood does not come with a manual. Especially as each child is different from the next, and the dynamics in each family differ from the next.
A friend of mine told me of how it took her four years to actually start feeling something for her son. It was a brave confession from her, and she gained my respect in that single moment. As she went on to explain, it was not that she didn't love him, but she just could not move out of career mode into motherhood mode. However, when she finally made the transition, she found that effusive love and affection for her son. She said to me that she had finally in her heart and in her mind accepted motherhood and the fact that what her life used to be was no more; that her career was now motherhood. The point is that, logically, she knew this, but to make that transition in her psyche and in her heart was more convoluted than was immediately obvious to her.
I have so much that I want to share with other mothers and mothers to be. For the mothers: to know that they are not abnormal; for the mothers to b:e to mentally prepare them. Even for the most well prepared woman, who has chosen motherhood at a specific point in her life, the unpredictability of it, the demands on one's essence can take their toll.
The (Our) mothers before us do not tell us of the hard times and difficulties, probably for the same reason they do not tell us of the difficulties in marriages or in relationships- for fear that we should choose not to have either experience. However, if the history of man is anything to go by, the lessons of others very rarely serve as a deterrent for us- hence history repeating itself. I do believe that it is better to have the information required to make a choice rather than to make one based on a fairytale or sugarcoated version of the truth.
There are many wonderful things about motherhood, but the not so great parts are underplayed and ignored. It is these small parts that cause so much pain. It is true that happier(balanced) mothers make happier(balanced) children, but how can you achieve this if the premise on which your journey begins and proceeds is wrong?
Anyway, tomorrow is another day... and motherhood rocks- it rocks your soul! OK! Seriously, it is perhaps one of the most rewarding journeys if you will allow yourself to evolve along the way.
